Dear Journal
by SoYours
Summary: It's the Brittana story told by the entries in Brittany's Journal. How it started and where it is headed to.
1. Chapter 1  Santana

**A/N.:** Hello, this is my first actual FanFic. I tried before, but it didn't work. So please, be kind!

**A/N****2****.: **This is a Glee Fic. The pairing is Brittana.

**A/N****3****.:** This is an idea that I've had since the day Brittany said her cat was reading her journal. Hope you enjoy it.

**Spoilers:** There might be a few. Some things I'll take from the show, some things I'll just make up.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, I do not own any of it's characters.

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><p><strong>Dear Journal<strong>

**Chapter 1 - **_**Santana**_

-Day 1-

Dear Mr. Journal

My mother gave you to me yesterday, but I stayed the night at Santana's, so I'm only starting now.

I don't know what I'm supposed to write in you, so I will just write everything that I think about but can't talk to nobody else.

Hope you enjoy it.

There are not many things a girl my age wants.

Or maybe, not many things they want for too long.

When you are popular and beautiful in High School, you are supposed to act like you have it all. Or so I've been told.

And that is what I have been doing since the Freshmen year. Because Santana told me when we made it to the Cheerios that from that moment on, we owned McKinley High. So I believed her.

Silly me, I didn't tell you who Santana was, and even though you are just a journal, I like to talk about her but I've never had someone who'd listen.

Santana is my best friend of all times. We have known each other for what feels like our entire lives. She is the only one who gets me when I say things people don't understand.

She's been defending me from people ever since elementary school. She would never let Dave Karofsky take my lunch money, or Noah - who we all now call Puck - take me behind the shrubs in the park. I don't know why though, but she said I should thank her for that. So I did.

So now. Well…

Now things are a little more complicated. Because when we were eleven, I went to her house and we watched a movie called "My Girl" where the girl and the boy kissed - I decided I wanted to try that. So I scooted closer to her on the couch, leaned down and kissed her.

She was shocked, frozen. When I pulled back, I was the only one smiling, while she was pale and when she realized I was staring at her confused, she started turning all shades of red.

We didn't talk about it that day, or for the next two years, for that matter.

Here's what I remember from our talk when we were thirteen:

I was, again sitting next to her on the couch in her living room - we were alone at the house.

I kept thinking about that day when we were eleven the whole time after it happened. But she acted like it didn't happen at all. So I had to ask, just to make sure.

-We kissed that day, didn't we?

She looked at me, paper white again.

-_You_ kissed _me_.

-Yeah… Didn't you like it?

So far, I hadn't realized how much I needed the answer to this question;

-It was okay, Britt. Why are you talking about this now?

-Because you act like it never happened, I just needed to make sure.

-Why did you do that anyways?

-I don't know.

-Well, it happened, but shouldn't have.

I think it hurt me. But I didn't know why. She noticed it.

-Britt-Britt, don't you know that us, girls, are supposed to kiss boys and not other girls?

-I don't want to kiss boys. Why would I want to do that?

-Because that's how things work.

-I'd rather kiss _you_ instead.

She blushed. Butterflies were born in my stomach that exact moment. They still fly around here sometimes when I look at her.

-Look, Britt. I kind of liked that you kissed me back then. But people can't know about that. Ever, okay?

-Okay.

She said she liked it. I felt like I could finally ask what I had wanted to since that day.

-Santana?

-Yep? - She didn't even look away from the tv. But I could see she was paying attention to me, because her eyes didn't follow the movements on the screen and she was still blushing.

-If I don't tell anyone about it either, can I…err…Do you think I could kiss you again?

I was so embarrassed that now _I_ was the one staring blankly at the tv. I would never believe the words coming out of her mouth next if it wasn't for the way she instantly turned around to face me before she answered.

-Yes, I think you can. But no one can know about this, okay?

And with that, I blinked my eyes several times before I had the guts to turn away from the tv and face her. She was licking her lips, trying to look me in the eyes, but when our eyes met, she instantly looked away and closed her eyes. But she remained still, her right leg folded onto the couch so she could face me, and I was mirroring her position.

I noticed she didn't move, just stayed there, eyes closed, hands holding a tight grip on the fabric of the couch. If I didn't move anytime soon, it would feel awkward that she was there, just waiting. So I took in the image of her one more time, burning to my brains the way she licked her lips with anxiety before I closed my own eyes and dipped in.

To this day it will always amuse me how my lips could so easily find their way to hers. I was right on spot.

I felt those butterflies go crazy inside my stomach when I felt the warmth of her lips against mine after so long. And I had to hold strongly to her arms with both my hands to contain the funny feeling it sent to the bottom of my belly when she tugged at my bottom lip with both of hers. It felt like she was trying to suck my lip into her mouth, and even though I had never thought of that, in that moment, it became my one and only wish that she succeeded at that task.

We kissed throughout the whole afternoon and when we could finally hear her parents parking their car in the garage, it was already dark outside. She jumped away from me with the sound and the lights against the window. I probably looked scared at her reaction. Because when she calmed down, she came closer to me, gave me a quick, yet sweet peck on the lips and told me with a smile that reached her eyes – my favorite of hers.

-Tomorrow I'll go to your house help you out with math. We can continue it then?

It was an affirmation, but it felt like an insecure question. So I answered.

-I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm pretty sure that was my happiest smile ever.

So, I kept my promise, no one ever found out about that. And she kept hers - we continued to make out until High School.


	2. Chapter 2 McKinley High

**A/N.:** First of all. Do not think that I ship "Bartie" for what you might read in this. It is all for plot's sake.

**A/N****2****.: **The song is "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

**A/N3.:** This chapter is way bigger than the previous one. Hope you guys like it, because I tend to write a lot more than I did in that one.

**Spoilers:** There might be a few. Some things I'll take from the show, some things I'll just make up.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, I do not own any of it's characters.

* * *

><p><strong>Dear Journal<strong>

**Chapter 1 - **_**Santana**_

Day 2

Hi, Journal

I was going to keep telling you why now it feels different to be around Santana, but I didn't have the right words for that. Until today at school, that is.

I was at my locker, leaving my books and I was completely sad because last week I asked Santana to talk to me about her feelings, and she kept pushing me away.

She even sang the most beautiful song in the world to me, in front of our whole glee club. But when Rachel Berry said something - I didn't even get, but was probably about us being together - Santana said some bad things and walked away.

Actually we sang together, along with Mrs. Holliday, who we went to for help. And Santana chose the song. I didn't quite understand it's meaning, but the lyrics go like:

"_I took my love and I took it down_

_I climbed a mountain then I turned around_

_And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills_

_Where the landslide brought me down._

_Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?_

_Can the child within my heart rise above?_

_Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?_

_Can I handle the seasons of my life?_

_Well I've been afraid of changing,_

'_Cause I've built my life around you._

_But time makes you bolder,_

_Children get older,_

_And I'm getting older too."_

So I think she meant that she is growing up and realizing that she might feel something more than friendship for me. And she is getting bolder enough so she could even sing that in front of everyone.

It got me tearing up to see her finally say these things to me, I couldn't believe it.

You see, back in Mrs. Holliday's weird circle of truth she asked us if we were lesbians. I had never thought about it until then. I mean, I love Santana - _that_ much I have known since our first day as freshmen. But I never thought about being a lesbian, I don't think I even knew what that meant. Since Santana wouldn't let anyone see or even know that we were making out, I made out with half the school - boys _and_ girls - at parties and stuff. But Holly said it was not who we are attracted to, but who we fall in love with. And that got me.

Because you see, Journal, I have a boyfriend. His name is Artie. I started dating him because Santana wouldn't sing a ballad with me for a Glee assignment. But somewhere along the way, I started caring for real about him. He looked at me as if I was special, and most of all, he was not ashamed of walking around with me in hallways in front of everybody.

While Santana is always saying these mean stuff to me, like, that she only kisses me because Puck is not around. And once, when we were drunk at a party and a boy saw us cuddling, she shoved me away and even told him I was getting her drunk to take advantage. She simply freaks out when she thinks someone might find out. Later on she would always apologize, and say how sorry she was for how she reacted, so I didn't mind it through all of these years. But the last time I got pissed off. I had never been pissed off at her before. It's consequence was Artie.

And now – today, she came to my locker and told me that she loved me. She said she didn't want Sam, or Finn, and that she wanted just me. She cried, Journal.

I was crying as well. She even remembered the time she ditched me when I invited her to an Indigo Girls' concert. She left me standing there alone and she never showed up. I didn't know why, and she told me today that she was not ready to be seen there just yet.

Journal, she said everything I've been dying to hear since I was eleven. My heart broke.

But I remembered Artie. The way I had already hurt him by taking his virginity away just so we could perform and I could make Santana jealous. I thought about how unfair it would be to go back running to Santana's arms and leave Artie, who's only been nice to me, while Santana have always traded me for any other boy.

But I have to say - saying no to her took all of my strength. All I wanted to do was say that I would be with her and _just _her, because that is all I have wanted my whole life. I didn't care about being Cheerios' top of the pyramid, I didn't care about being popular at WMHS and I didn't even care about boys anymore. She was the thing that was always missing for me to feel like I had it all.

But I couldn't. And what hurt me the most, was that through all of this time, I have been the one telling her how much I like being with her, kissing her, sleeping with her. I even told her I loved her before she did, and I said that for real, and not just as friends, like she did. But she still asked me to say that I loved her back after her confession. Like she had no idea of how much I loved her already.

And even worse - when I told her I couldn't be with her for now, it felt like I hadn't really loved her all along. It got harder to hold back the tears, so I told her the only thing I could say in order for her to know what I felt today and all the other days until now - I told her that if Artie and I broke up one day (and trust me, I have never thought more about anything else) and she was still single then, I would be hers, and proudly so.

Did I just mess it all up, J?

I don't think so. Or at least, I hope not.

Because you see, I have been waiting for Santana to love me back ever since our first day in McKinley High. I don't know anyone else who has been waiting for so long for somebody else. That's got to get me some points, right?

Here's how it happened:

I was still fourteen; about to turn fifteen, she was already fifteen. She was slightly taller than me back then, she had the most beautiful body in whole McKinley, most of the kids grew up going to the same grade school, so all the boys already knew her and wanted her, and all the girls wanted to have her body or be her friend, either or both.

I can't say I wasn't popular as well, but I also can't say I had _that_ body. What I certainly _can_ say is that - like all the boys - there was nothing I wanted more.

I met her at our lockers, they turned up to be side-by-side, (we called it fate, but now, every year we have to go to Principal Figgns to ask him to keep it that way) she was glowing, there were already boys asking her out and girls looking me sideways when she hugged me as she saw me for the first time that day.

I returned the hug but could not match her smile and she realized it.

-What's wrong, Britt-Britt?

-I'm scared. This school is way bigger than the old one. I can't even remember my classrooms and it's only the first day.

-Don't worry about that, I have already made sure that we are in as many classes together as I could manage. You are only on your own for two. Only one of them is today.

I was now smiling and it grew bigger when the girls looking at us from behind her were making weird noises as if they were watching the cutest movie ever.

-Come. We need to subscribe for the Cheerios' try outs. They start today.

-I hear the coach is pretty tough.

-Sue is the best coach around. She's won seven Nationals in a row.

With that she dragged me by the pinky to the wall where the list hung, she wrote both our names on it and we proceeded to wander around the school getting to know it better.

-You don't have to worry, Britt. I'll make sure we get to know this place upside down until the last class today, so you will never get lost in here, okay?

She was perfect. She was always perfect. But that day was different. It was special, with all the people in that place willing to give whatever it took to come closer to her, she still ignored all of them in order to make me not be afraid anymore. She was Santana Lopez, she could be with whoever she wanted, she was beautiful, she was desired, she was everything a girl dreams to be, and the best: she was with me.

-I love you.

It came out before I could stop it.

She looked at me, serious at first, trying to read me, I tried to avoid it. So she started smiling and answered.

-I love you too, Britt.

And the whole day went by like that, between classes we walked around the place, and at lunch break she wrote in my arm the classroom I was supposed to go to next, without her. And she drew a small map so I would know how to get there. It all went well.

Until we met close to the bathrooms after the classes were done.

-Okay, so should we go to the GYM now? Did you bring your cheering outfit?

I have always loved dancing, so I was not nervous, I knew we had it.

Santana didn't look calm, though.

-I can't do this. I will fall down in one of the flips, I can feel it.

-No you won't. You will nail those. We practiced so hard, you are flawless.

The last word had a double meaning in my head, I'm not sure she got it, though.

-Britt. I'm so nervous. It's not even funny.

She sure looked like it. She was pale, hands shaking. She started biting her bottom lip and that was it for me.

We hadn't made out for too long - not since two days ago when she slept at my house and we kissed and cuddled watching 'The Little Mermaid'.

I had grown too fond of our make out sessions over the past two years. We would get together every day and find a way to be alone. At parties, when she went with Puck and I went with someone else, at the very beginning, when both had arrived, we would at least find each other among the crowd to kiss 'good evening' before we could even think about getting drunk and having fun.

I missed it too much right now. I had been scared earlier and I needed her, but she found her way around it, gluing herself to me so I would know she was there for me. And now she needed me to show her how much I was there for her as well. The hallways were empty, so I figured. Why not?

I looked around to make out where we were then I tried to remember our earlier tour. So I grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her up the hallway;

-Brittany, the GYM is to the other side.

-Great, there won't be anyone left where we are going.

-What the hell? I didn't think you'd try and make me give up.

-I'm not. I'm going to show you how awesome I think you are, so you'll remember that and give it all you got and make Sue Sylvester love you.

-We only have about forty minutes, so try and make it – whatever it is you're doing - fast.

I opened the door to the janitor's closet. Checked around to see if there was anyone who could see us - Clear

And out of my adrenaline rush, I pushed her with all my new found strength into the closet. Her back hit a few brooms that fell down with a loud noise.

I checked to see if she was okay. Her hand went straight to her head as a reflex to protect herself from any other falling objects. I was worried I might have hurt her for a few seconds there.

-What the Fuc…

She was fine, I wouldn't – I couldn't hold it any longer. I pushed myself against her closing the door on my way.

Like the second time we kissed, even though I couldn't see much in the dark closet, my lips found their way to Santana's perfect mouth. She pulled back from the shock and nanoseconds later, when she realized what was going on, she shut up, her hands came straight from her head to the back of my neck, pulling me as close as possible to her. I could tell I was not the only one missing our kisses, because she deepened it immediately;

It caught me off guard. Before I could even process the information that she was pulling me to her with a lot of strength, her tongue made it's way across my lips, seducing their way in. The kiss felt hot – even more then it usually did.

I realized my hands were no longer needed in the wall behind her to keep our balance. Our feet had it covered. So I let them do something that so far was still new for us. I let them roam across her back. I lay them on her lower back, and as the kiss went on I let them slid down to her ass.

It created a reaction I didn't expect, but welcomed it a whole lot.

She took off my jacket and before I knew it my shirt was around my neck and we were parting so she could pass it through my head and arms.

I was breathless, and all of a sudden to self conscious.

-You too – I pulled at her shirt and it was already on the ground when I caught my breath – take it off.

The kiss was no longer a French kiss. She was sucking lightly on my neck and I was tilting my head back. I couldn't control my body anymore. It had a will of it's own and it felt like throwing my head back to give Santana more space would give me more pleasure. It was right.

Her hand started going down, from my neck to my shoulders, from there to my abs and then they were tugging at the hem of my pants and underwear and making it's way to a place where no one had ever been before.

The touch felt cold as a contrast to how hot I was. It gave me Goosebumps and even though I was trying to keep it quiet so she wouldn't be mad at me, I let her name escape my lips in a moan.

-San…Santana.

She must have liked it. Because her left hand grabbed at my most sensitive area and her mouth came to my ear.

-Say that again.

She had an even huskier and sexier voice than usually.

-Santana.

And with that her fingers were getting inside of me. Very slowly at the beginning, as I was grunting in pain, but after the tip of her fingers were in, she deepened her middle finger in one fast thrust. I saw stars. It hurt like a knife cutting through sensitive skin.

-Are you okay? I'm so sorry.

She said, stopping the movement but keeping her hand there.

No, I was not okay. It was hurting. But then I realized it. I was losing my virginity to the one person I had dreamt of losing it to. It was no longer my hand there touching my sensitive spots and pretending it was hers. So I opened my eyes, looked as well as I could - despite the bad light – into the eyes of the girl who literally had me in her hands at that moment. And when the realization sank in, my mouth and eyes smiled at the same time.

-I'm great. Please keep going.

She did. She started to thrust her finger slowly and gained speed as we both felt my body giving in more and more.

My pants were now down to the middle of my thigh. My hips were thrusting along with her, we found a rhythm that by itself made me feel my knees buckle. She was now the one whispering my name in my ear. I was hanging upon her. My arms on top of her shoulders and my chin resting beside my right arm on her shoulder so my knees wouldn't give in. Both my hands were tangled in her long hair wrapping themselves in those waves. I could feel our chests heaving heavily against the other's and in sync. We were completely tangled in each other.

-It feels so good, Britt.

-You feel so good inside of me.

The words came too fast. I felt so wrong. I was so embarrassed. My right hand left her hair and blocked my eyes in shame. I felt so vulnerable there. All hung up on her. Shirtless, my whole body pressed against her, my pants to the middle of my thighs, showing her everything. Even though it was dark.

She must have sensed how embarrassed I was. Because her right hand left my lower back and started stroking my hair.

-I've been dreaming about being like this for way too long. It feels perfect. Way better than any dream could ever be.

Her words soothed me. I was back in our little dark, sweaty world. Aware, once again, of her left hand's middle and index fingers coming in and out of me, the palm of her hand cupping my most sensitive spot with every thrust.

-Don't stop.

Was all I could say before losing my breath. She realized I was back and once again gained speed. There was something building inside of me, I had touched myself before and I knew what an orgasm was supposed to feel like – or at least – I thought I knew.

-I won't. Come for me, babe.

She had never called me _babe_ - not ever - in _years_ of knowing each other, in _two years_ of making out. So it was all it took. The next income of the two fingers and she had me. I melted on her, my knees finally buckling. She had to hold me up so the two of us wouldn't fall down.

I was panting heavily and so was she. She held me even closer. I felt her tight grip clenching my ribs but didn't mind. It felt amazing to be in her arms pressed so close after giving myself to her.

I wanted to say something to make her understand how amazing she was, and how much I had adored what had just happened. I wanted to let her know how great she made me feel, and most of all, I wanted to make her feel as close to it as possible. So I looked into her eyes, standing back up, but still tangled to her body. She was staring right back at me, a feeling showing in her face like I had never seen before. I felt like she was mirroring my expression. Like we were feeling the exact same thing. But I couldn't quite put a finger on it. So, once again, my body was on it's own and spoke the words I couldn't seem to find.

-I love you, Santana.

My eyes went wide and so did Santana's. But not in a bad way. I knew her. I could sense things she was about to do even before she motioned them. I could feel she was about to say she loved me back. My world was about to explode into thousands of double-rainbows and unicorns. I was already smiling from ear to ear. So was she as her mouth opened starting to form an "I".

-Who's in there?

Came a loud, loud voice mixed with hard thuds against the door of the closet.


	3. Chapter 3 Sweet Lady Kisses

**A/N.:** Hello, amazing readers. I would, first of all, like to thank every and each one of you who have given the time to read my story. I hope you are all enjoying it.

**A/N2.:** I would also like to say that reviews are very, very much appreciated. So, let me know what all of you are thinking. PM me, review the chapters. I truly want to know how you feel about this story. And of course! Thank you to the ones who have already reviewed it, or put it in your 'favorites' and 'alert' lists.

** A/N3.:** Last but certainly not least. I would like to thank my wonderful beta: _**ObviouslyADreamer**_

**Spoilers:** There might be a few. Some things I'll take from the show, some things I'll just make up.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, I do not own any of it's characters.

ps.: In the last Chapter I put the name wrong. Let's see if I get it right this time around. (Last chapter's name was "McKinley High" by the way)

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><p><strong>Dear Journal<strong>

**Chapter 3 - Sweet Lady Kisses**

-Day 5-

Journal,

In the last entry I had to stop writing because Santana called me. My phone buzzed and it showed her name, but when I answered, she simply wouldn't say a word. I could hear her breath faltering on the other end. I'm pretty sure she was holding back her tears.

When I told her not to cry she hung up on me. I spent the whole night trying to call her back but she wouldn't answer me.

The two days that followed she wouldn't even look at me in the hallways. So today I tried to talk to her – ask her to be friends with me again. She said she didn't want to and told me that she was still dating Sam.

I had no idea it would be this hard.

So, I will just keep going with our story, because I really need to get it off my chest. It makes me cry thinking that I don't have her anymore.

Back to that day in the janitor's closet.

The noise was heard again and Santana and I froze. We were still in each other's arms and shirtless.

In situations like this, she would usually push me away as far as she could. But in that moment, I believe I saw - for the first time - a scared Santana. Not scared for herself but for me.

Instead of pushing me away, she pulled me closer and tighter to her in a protective hug.

I couldn't help but smile – that was the "I love you" I had just missed.

After the shock we got our clothes back on. The voice on the other side kept asking who was inside - It was a girl's voice.

Now fully clothed and with her most bitchy look back on, (during the summer I had almost forgotten it was her signature look – she was always smiling) Santana whispered to me while heading for the door.

"Don't say a word, ok?"

She opened the door. A short blonde, about Santana's size, with muggy green eyes stared at us with a questioning and surprised look.

"May I help you?"

Santana was fully back on the bitchy mood she's usually in around school.

"I heard noises…coming from there." she looked over our shoulders into the closet "I was worried."

"Well, don't be. We are fine. I was tense about the try outs we're about to go to and Britt, here, was telling me it was okay."

Anyone who knew Santana well enough would find it weird that she was giving explanations that easily. They were kind of a lie. So it figures, I guess.

"Okay."

The blonde still looked embarrassed and suspicious. And then something hit her. Because she looked at us as if she had just realized we were there.

"You said you were going to a try out? Is it for the 'Cheerios'?"

"Why do you care?"

"I was going there as well. But I'm _one hundred percent_ lost in this place. I just transferred. Maybe you two could lead the way?"

I smiled. We had just met another cheerleader-to-be. I was sure she would make it to Cheerios, too. She looked like she came out of one of those commercials where everyone is beautiful and flawless - I love those because they remind me of Santana.

"Whatever."

Santana said with a sigh of relief that the girl didn't ask any more questions about us being in the closet.

"I'm Quinn, by the way."

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><p>-Day 8-<p>

Dear J,

The thing I like the most about Santana's and mine friendship is how fast we work things out.

Today I was feeling so, so sad. She saw me crying in the hallway after Artie and I broke up - he called me stupid. That was it for me.

I don't know how she found me since she was supposed to be in class. But the second I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes I felt someone coming closer to me and when I opened them again, she was right there beside me.

She put aside all of the bad things that I know were going through her mind since she told me she loved me and I stayed with Artie.

Santana told me to wait until after the last class and took me to the choir room, since today we had Glee practice earlier.

She sang the most beautiful song on earth to me, Journal. Ever heard of "Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac? The chorus goes:

_"And I love you, I love you, I love you._

_Like never before."_

And this time, I didn't have to think about what it meant. Before she started singing it, she said that the song was exactly how she felt about me.

Journal, I am in love with my best friend. I can't even hide it.

I was crying while she sang it to me. But then I realized - I wasn't dating Artie anymore. I was single. So why didn't she just sing it in front of our New Directions' friends? Once again, she was hiding me from them. From everyone.

But I think I get it now. She's scared. Her grandmother is a pretty tough lady. Santana once told me Mrs. Lopez used to tell her that her parents would give her back to the people they got her from if she didn't get straight A's in school. And would always tell her how everyone who doesn't act how the bible tells us to would rotten in hell. So she's afraid of how everyone will treat her. She thinks everyone will be like her grandma.

So I offered to go first. I invited her to "Fondue For Two". I told her I was going to ask her to prom and all she had to do was say "Yes".

SHE AGREED!

J, I'm taking the girl of my dreams to prom. Can you even believe it? I'm as happy as a baby dolphin right now! And to make me even happier, she is coming over tonight.

We never really fight. But when we have disagreements - like the time I started dating Artie - she comes over and we have this thing I like to call "Make-Up-Lady-Loving". I think this time fits into that category. I hope so, because we've had it for a lot less.

Like once, when we were sophomores.

It wasn't that long ago, but it feels like it, because Santana and I were still just best friends.

We won our second Nationals as Cheerios. We had a party at Matt's house - he was a football player and our Glee mate last year before he transferred.

So, Santana and I were still together all the time. The make out sessions were still going on pretty much every day, only now, we added sex to our list.

In that party, Santana became, once again, the center of attentions, now that Quinn was pregnant.

Puck was all over her even though he was the father of Quinn's baby. Matt was also all over her. Mike - our friend who now dates Tina, from Glee Club - was the only one chasing after me. But I didn't care. I ignored him the whole night long just looking for Santana.

I walked into the living room of Matt's house and found her sitting between Matt and Puck in the couch. They were giving her drinks and trying to see who got luckier - the three of them laughing way too loud.

I wanted that to stop.

"Santana, could you take me home?"

"What? We just "gotz" here."

"Please?"

Puck was really drunk. He looked up at me and I believe he said.

"Chill, Britt. Come here. Join us."

"No."

"Wow. She's angry. Are you gonna bite me?

Because I like that." Matt joined him. "Don't worry, Britt. There's plenty of Matt for you, too. I'll just finish here and we'll have some fun."

With that, he turned around and was now upon Santana. That image grossed me out. I was about to leave to avoid crying in front of them when Santana pushed him away from her.

"Shut up the two of you. I did not allow you to talk to Brittany." She was standing behind me, holding my arm so I had to turn and face her - my eyes were red from holding back the tears - I was so upset with her.

"Why do want to go home?…Wait! Are you crying Britt-Britt?"

"So what if I am? You don't even care, anyway." She, all of a sudden looked sober.

"That is not true. I care. A lot. Who made you cry?"

"Guess."

"Was it Mike? I will physically hurt him." She was already looking over my shoulder for Mike with an expression that I knew as 'Going All Lima Heights'.

"It was not Mike…Stop! It was you, Santana." She looked at me as if I had grown a pair of extra heads.

"Me? How so?"

"We came together to the party. And then you left me all alone with Mike and I find you here with both, Puck and Matt?" She looked around to see if anyone was listening and then took me by the wrist and lead me up stairs to one of the empty bedrooms.

"Okay, what do you mean by 'We came together'?"

I realized what I said and remembered through all the alcohol that was already clouding my system that we were not like that. We were never together in that way.

"Nothing. Just forget it."

"No. I won't. You thought we were together? Like, really together?" She wasn't being rude. She was actually just asking. But the tears were too strong to hold back this time.

"No, I'm sorry, Santana. I forgot."

"Britt. You know that we are just friends, right?"

"I know. Can I go home now? You can stay here. I'm sorry." She didn't say anything. She simply wiped one falling tear away from my cheek. She locked the door behind her and dragged me backwards to the bed behind me.

When I sat on the bed, she towered over me and tugged my chin up so I was looking in her eyes.

"We are not girlfriends, Brittany."

"I know that." This time was different. She was serious, I was too. We were talking about this for the first time since our first kiss. I wasn't crying anymore. She wasn't pushing me away.

"The things we do, they are just what friends do. It's just sex. Sex is not dating, remember?"

"Then why can't people know?"

"People are mean, Brittany. They like to make fun of everything. Like we make fun of Kurt, and Rachel."

"But Rachel's parents are together like that. And Kurt's father is okay with him being gay."

"But that is rare. Most people are like Karofsky and my abuela. She used to tell me how gay people will burn in hell."

"That's not true. We won't burn in hell."

"No, we won't, Britt! Because we are not gay."

"What if…"

"No! Brittany." Her voice rose a little bit. She looked away for a few seconds to calm down when she saw me jumping and then her voice was low again "No 'what ifs'. You are my best friend. And I am straight. Okay?"

"But what we do, don't you like it?"

"I do. As a friend. We have fun together. It's just for pleasure. It's not about love."

"It is, for me." I couldn't help it. It was true after all.

She stepped back. I had to look away; I didn't mean to say that out loud.

A few moments went by. I had to take it back, but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

"Forget about it, okay? We were fine all this time. Since we were thirteen. You are just too drunk. You are confusing things. Let's go back to the party. We will not do that anymore. It is confusing you."

"Okay."

I agreed as a reflex to everything Santana said. But I was afraid of what she meant. She said we were not going to have our make out sessions any more.

I stood up and reached out for her. I kissed her on the lips - soft at first - when she didn't push me away, I deepened it. I wrapped my arms around her waist. She let out a soft moan and stepped a little bit closer to me. Her hands meeting behind my neck. I was now a few inches taller than her.

She pushed me back onto the bed falling up on me. She straddled me and each of her hands landing in one side of my head. She leaned down and kept kissing me. I tugged at the hem of the skirt of her Cheerios' uniform. She pulled back.

"Britt."

"I know we're not together. I just like your sweet lady kisses too much. I don't want us to stop."

"Sweet lady kisses?" She laughed. "Is that what we call them, now?"

"Yeah." I said between gasps "And I don't want us to stop." I looked seriously into her eyes. I wanted her to see I was not giving up.

She looked back into my eyes, studied them with my hand still resting on the hem of her skirt. She was still in all fours above me. I held her gaze, trying to reassure her that I wasn't going to let anybody know. She believed me.

Slowly, she leaned down to kiss me on the lips, and in between kisses, she said.

"I don't want us to stop either."


	4. Chapter 4 Quinn Knows

**A/N.:** This chapter is a bit different from the other ones. You will notice that right away. I thought it was really important in terms of plot. Hopefully you will enjoy what it has to offer as well. I've grown very fond of it!

**A/N2.:** Once again I would like to thank very much all of you who have made this your favorite story. And Thank you for the reviews and I'd like to ask you to keep them coming, so I will know what is it that you want to see in this fic. I did change my pen name, I'm way happier with it, now! Hope you guys like it too.

**A/N3.:** And thank you to my awesome Beta, **ObviouslyADreamer** for helping me take this in the right direction!

**Spoilers:** There might be a few. Some things I'll take from the show, some things I'll just make up.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Glee, I do not own any of it's characters.

* * *

><p><strong>Dear Journal<strong>

**Chapter 4 - Quinn Knows**

-Day 10-

She didn't show up.

* * *

><p>-Day 11-<p>

I was waiting for her to get here so we could start recording 'Fondue For Two' but she only sent me a message saying 'I can't'.

I didn't understand, but last week Dave Karofsky showed up at our Glee practice and they told everybody they were dating. I thought she had broken up with him already, since she said she loved me. But I guess not.

Today asked Santana why she was doing this. She did sing 'Songbird' to me last week - I did not imagine that.

But she simply shrugged and turned around when Karofsky got out of his class and they had lunch together.

Quinn had lunch with me today. I haven't seen her during lunch for about three months or so. We didn't talk, she just sat beside me and we ate together. When the bell rang for us to go back to class, she stood up and left and didn't say a word during the whole time.

She's a good friend. Reminds me of when we became friends, right after she made it as Head Cheerleader:

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Quinn was behind me in the parking lot.

"I don't know. Santana is not here." She looked at me as if she was waiting for me to keep going.

"Are you serious?" Now I was the one waiting for her to continue. But, unlike me, she did. "Do you need permission from her to do anything?"

"It's not like that, but you _took_ her place as Cheerios' Captain. She won't like that I'm talking to you."

"She hadn't been chosen yet - I stole nothing."

She managed to keep a calm look during the whole time. I found that really nice - Santana would hate me if she found out, but Quinn did have a Captain posture.

"Still, everyone thought it_ would be_ her. She probably hates you. So I shouldn't be talking to you."

"Is she, like, your mother or something?"

"No" I didn't get why she would think that. "She and I are almost the same age. It wouldn't be possible."

"_Really_?...Okay. What I meant was: does she always tell you who you can or can't talk to?"

"No."

"So why does it matter that we are talking, even though she doesn't like me? I didn't do anything to you..._or _to her for that matter."

"I already told you, she was supposed to be the Captain, not you."

"Look, I worked real hard for this position. You couldn't even begin to understand. So, I'm not regretting that I got it instead of some doctor's 'have-it-all-daughter." Okay? But the reason why I'm here is that I like the two of you. You helped me find the GYM..."

She was cut by Santana finally getting to her car, where she told me to wait for her.

"We shouldn't have. What are you doing here? Who said you could talk to Brittany behind my back?" Santana looked like a tiger protecting it's family as she instantly stood between me and Quinn.

"So, what's up with that? Is she your property or whatever? Because slavery is like, a crime nowadays."

Quinn crossed her arms in her chest and kept her cool like she didn't really care about Santana's intimidating position towards her.

"Anyways. I see that the two of you are clearly top dogs around here. And I don't know anyone around this part of Lima. Only, _now_ I'm Head Cheerleader. So people will want to know me either way. What I'm offering you two here, in exchange for what you did for me earlier when we met at the closet," They exchanged a weird look, to me it felt like a challenging one. "...is for you to walk me through the 'do's' and 'don't's of McKinley High and in return, I'll let the two of you be my...'sidekicks', if you may. What do you say?"

Journal, never, since my first day in elementary school with Santana, had I _ever_ seen anyone treat her like that. But worse I had never seen her retreat like that. She didn't do as much as open her mouth to shoot back. She simply looked into Quinn's eyes. Pierced them with what I could only call anger, and a few seconds after their intense stare being held, Santana gave up. She looked down and to the side towards her car tire and then she looked back to find me where she knew I'd be standing right behind her.

I had a difficult time understanding what was going on. But Santana sort of shook off the 'beaten' look she had just then and stood tall again. Looking Quinn in the eyes with a look that was completely new to me back then - one that I, now, recognize as a loyalty look, but there was something more to it - still that challenging feeling from before.

"This is Brittany and I am Santana. But I'm sure you already know that." She said unlocking her car with a push of a button.

"That is great! I'll see the two of you tomorrow morning. Bye, then."

Quinn had a smile from ear to ear. She kept that smile through, basically our entire Freshman year and the beginning of our Sophomore year as well, until she found out she was pregnant.

...

After the last period I went to the parking lot, looking for Santana, she was getting in the car while I was leaving the building. All I could see was Karofsky saying good bye to his Football mates before he got in the passenger's seat. When they were gone, I tried to call Santana's cell phone. She didn't answer, and I think I'm glad she didn't - since I wouldn't know what to say anyway. It still felt awful.

I walked to the spot where her car was, only seconds ago. I was dizzy with so many thoughts going through my mind at the same time. I could see her - behind my eye-lids - smiling at me only a few days ago, when she came to my house and we had 'Make-Up-Lady-Loving'. I could also remember lying naked on my back, on her bed, after we had sex a few months ago, and she was laid on top of me - in nothing but her underwear - holding her weight on her right elbow and putting a stray of lose blonde hair behind my ear with her left hand.

I shed a few tears remembering her lips caressing mine and both her hands holding my waist - my back against the cold tiles on my bathroom wall - when we got drunk on a party and she took me home so we could have sweet lady kisses without anyone bothering us. We made love through the whole night long. She didn't hold back.

I started crying heavily when those thoughts were pushed away harshly by the memory of Karofsky and her holding hands in front of the whole New Directions; I broke up with Artie, but she was still with Dave. So the voices - which I thought didn't matter anymore after she sang 'Songbird' to me - now screaming again and louder in my head: "something called love", "Vote 'Santofsky'", "The two of you are in love? Soul mates, so to speak?", "I would say that was accurate". I couldn't hold it any longer. My head was a mess. I wanted out. But before I could go away, I heard a very well known and low voice calling me.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Quinn was, once again, behind me. Near the same spot in the parking lot we had been about two years ago. Only now, I was not by Santana's car, since she had just left me there and given Karofsky a ride, instead.

"I seriously don't want to talk to anyone right now, Quinn. I'm sorry."

"Look, I know. Okay?...I know about the two of you. I have known forever!" I froze right there. I had no idea of what I should say, J. Santana would kill me if I ever confirmed. I promised her four years ago that I would never tell anyone. I couldn't say anything, but Quinn was good. She has that something that makes her good at reading people. Especially when she's been with you, constantly, for three years.

"You don't have to say anything..." Good, I wasn't going to "...I just...I saw your last 'fondue' video. I'm sorry Santana didn't come." That hurt. I didn't need Quinn to remind me of that.

"Whatever." I was walking away, trying to go faster than my tears.

"Brittany, please stop! Look, I have been around you and Santana ever since I got to McKinley. For Christ's sake, I met the two of you making out in the freaking janitor's closet. Did you really think I wouldn't realize it?" My face must have shown my fear. "Don't worry, I never told anyone - and I never will. That is something between you and her. But the two of you are the closest I ever got to real friends in this place, so when I see how you are hurting yourselves - walking around in circles - I have to say something."

"Quinn, stay out of it. I can't really say anything about this."

"Yeah, I know Santana, I'm sure she made you promise. And, hell, I know you as well, Brittany - even after the fuck up she just did, you still wouldn't break a promise you made to her." I hadn't thought about that. I'm so stupid.

"So you just listen and I will do all the talking." She caught up with me and made me sit in a bench nearby.

"I do not believe in this whole 'soul mates' kind of thing. I believe love is about need; if you need something from someone and that someone needs something from you too, then you might fall in love. Once you don't need each other anymore, love grows cold and hence the divorce laws." I was lost. She carried on anyway.

"But somehow, for the last three years, I have been in this stupid school and I have seen all the kids in here start and end relationships with each other, myself included, and through all of this time, I have seen many people not giving a fuck about it - but you are different, Britt. The two of you are different. Santana is a bitch, an even bigger one then I ever was. Still, ever since that day in the parking lot, when she stood up to me, protective of you, I realized she wasn't just messing around with you, she really cared for you. And that only got more and more confirmed by the time. I mean, when we were fourteen we won our first Nationals and she dumped Puck to go to your house because your mother wouldn't let you go to the after-party, which, by the way, she had spent the whole week talking about. Not to say that every time the three of us ever had sleepovers, she would make sure that she brought an extra tooth-brush because she knows you will always forget yours and an extra comforter because you are always cold in the middle of the night."

The memory of the times I would wake up shivering cold at night only to find Santana kneeling beside my blankets-bed covering me up got me to shed a new bunch of tears. Quinn stopped for a while. I think she was giving me a moment to stop crying. Not enough, though.

"The same applies to you. Seriously, Brittany, you know how you can be airy sometimes" I had to agree, I couldn't help the small grin lifting the side of my mouth "but whenever you are around her, I see how hard you try to get everything right. I remember watching one of your Cheerios' practices, and no one was able to do the double back flip. I saw the two of you spend two afternoons practicing after school, and none of you got it. Until Sue called Santana out in front of everyone for being a 'lousy Captain' and you walked in front of the squad and pulled out a perfect double back flip from the ground, and I remember being so proud of you that day. I'm sure Santana was too. And I know that the only reason why you didn't fail last year was because Santana told you - at my birthday - that you would have to keep up in school if you didn't want to break what was left of the unholy trinity. She only meant it to insult me after she made it to Head Cheerleader when Sue kicked me out, but I noticed your face, and your results began to improve, as a miracle, the next week."

I had to look away. She was making my head hurt even more. Her words felt like a cold shower after just being left behind in the parking lot. But somehow I didn't want her to stop. It will always feel good to talk about me and Santana, and now I wasn't talking to myself - someone was actually acknowledging our secret and it was not my fault.

"You see, Brittany. What I'm trying to do here, is show you how much the two of you belong together. Santana is afraid of this, but then again, she's always been, you know that. What really matters is that you both know this. I'm only trying to refresh your mind. So I hope you'll do the right thing."

"It is not me, Quinn. She is dating Karofsky. She told Jew-Fro that they are soul mates - she looked me in the eyes and confirmed that they are soul mates."

"She was lying, Britt. Come one. You know that. She loves you. She is afraid and she is trying to hide it. I say, give her some time, she will come around. But don't just...I don't know, just don't...let her go. She will need you, and when that time comes hopefully she'll be able to admit that."

With that, Quinn stood up from the bench. She offered me a ride home, since Santana had left before I could ask her. I wiped my eyes but the tears only actually ceased when I got here in my room.

I have been lying in my bed facing the ceiling and with my feet leaning up against the wall for about an hour or so. I thought about every word Quinn said to me, I thought about everything Santana and I have been through. I realized that I can't be mad at her for not showing up for 'Fondue For Two' or for dating Dave, and even though I'm still sad about both, and I still plan on making her give Karofsky up, I think that I will take Quinn's advice; I can't let Santana go like that, journal. I love her, and somewhere within my heart, I _know _she loves me back. I need to be there for her while she is still afraid. I need to show her that she is not alone.

...


	5. Chapter 5 It's Our Thing

**A/N.:** I am deeply sorry for the long wait! With the holidays and all it got hard to keep up the pace, but it should change back to a more regular basis.

**A/N2.:** I want to thank you all amazing readers for the favorites and the alerts. It means a LOT to me. To thank you properly, this chapter is a bit longer and I suppose you might specially enjoy some parts of it. And I want to thank my amazing beta BonnieLForU for being patient with me and for making me sound cooler than I am.

**A/N3.:** Now let's get down to it. And, Honeys, please review this story so I'll know what you think if it and I'll be pleased with any kind of comments, so, make me happy! =)

**Spoilers:** There might be a few. Some things I'll take from the show, some things I'll just make up.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, I do not own any of it's characters.

* * *

><p><strong>Dear Journal<strong>

**Chapter 5 - It's Our Thing**

-Day 22-

Journal, I'm here in New York, can you believe it? Our Glee club is competing for Nationals here - we are staying the weekend. All the girls are sharing a bedroom, and the boys are sharing another.

Last week was the McKinley prom. I went by myself and danced with almost everyone, while Santana went with Dave, who won Prom King. She lost Prom Queen for Kurt though. That's why I found her crying in an empty classroom at school. I believe we worked things out. We didn't get back to sweet lady kisses though.

During the royal dance at the prom, Dave was supposed to dance with Kurt, but he bailed. So I don't know how things are between him and Santana - but I wish he wouldn't come back.

Right now I'm supposed to write a song for us to sing tomorrow at Nationals. I hate that Mr. Shue decided that we had to do this the day before the performance. Because of him we can't enjoy New York City. Santana told me at the prom that she wanted to live in 'Tribeca', so I wanted to see if I could move there as well some day.

...

I just performed my new song, 'My Cup' but I think the other kids didn't like it that much. So I'm done writing songs, and so are they. We were having a pillow fight a while ago and then everybody got tired, so they cleaned up and decided to hit the city. But Santana decided she wanted to stay here at the hotel. That reminds me of one time back when we were Freshmen:

"I never thought my mother would let me come with you guys. She never allows me to go on school trips."

"Yeah, Britt. But now we're in High School, things change." Quinn was beginning to be a great leader, even out of the Cheerio's uniform.

"I guess so."

Finn caught me, Santana and Quinn out of guard when he walked in the room without even knocking. "Aren't you girls going to come? Oh, Hey Quinn."

Quinn and I were Fourteen, while Santana and Finn were already fifteen. We had gone to a city far to the countryside of Ohio as a welcome trip McKinley had set up for the Freshmen.

"Don't you know how to knock?" Santana yelled at Finn as she stood up. She was in the processes of shoving him out of the room when Quinn stood behind her.

"Wait. What do you mean? Where would we go? Where is everybody going?"

I could swear I saw Finn drooling a little bit as Quinn talked to him. But Santana's face called my attention before I could say anything. She was angry, that much I could tell. I just didn't know if she was still angry at Finn for walking in without knocking or at Quinn for cutting her off while she was about to go All Lima Heights on someone.

"We are going to the _aquarium_. I hear it is supposed to have some crazy animals in there, and Puck and Azimio brought booze. So it should be fun. Are you coming?"

Quinn was already beside Finn outside the room before Santana could answer.

"As if. I have much better things to do than going to some stupid giant fish-bowl and getting drunk with you, losers."

Some people would think she was being hard on them, but I knew Santana well enough to know she was just bored with them. Still, all-in-all, we were not going to the _aquarium_, and I wanted to go, I suppose. But one look from Santana and I knew we were up to something way better.

"Britt, aren't you coming?" Quinn asked me, and it was funny, because mine, Santana's and Finn's faces turned instantly at her - all three of us sharing the same weird look. I like how everybody who have grown up with us knows: if Santana isn't going, neither am I. I think it has always been that way.

"Oh, I keep forgetting. She's Santana's little shadow. Oh, well...good bye. I guess it is just us." Quinn was in a talky mood whenever Finn was around. He definitely liked that.

As soon as they were out of our hearing range, both Santana and I became highly aware of everything around us. Especially aware of each other. Santana quit getting her clothes out of her suitcase and I stayed hanging on the doorknob. I remember that in that moment I studied every single aspect of the room. I remember the flowery blue wallpaper, and the peeling on it by the bathroom door. I remember noticing the sheets in all three beds were completely different from each other. Quinn's bed was neat, her suitcase rested beside the little night stand by her bed. Mine was the messiest one. All my clothes were all over my bed, along with my suitcase spread open and my striped blanket was messy in the spot where I had just been seated on. I could tell you how many wood pieces the floor was made out of. I just didn't have the courage to look into Santana's eyes.

We were alone for the first time after we had sex in the janitor's closet. And I could tell by the silence I was not the only one not sure about how to act.

I wasn't about to move and I am sure Santana noticed. Because when my studying of the floor became too long, I heard steps coming my way and I heard her voice.

"Did you want to go to the _aquarium_?"

Her voice was far unsure, but you would have to pay a lot of attention to notice - she knows how to keep her image flawless, and showing insecurity is not something she likes to do.

I didn't want her to think I didn't want to stay with her. But I couldn't lie, so I didn't look at her, afraid my next words would come across that way.

"I heard there are ducks there."

Silence again. I froze - was she sad?

"Please don't be s..." I finally looked at her to tell her something, but she interrupted me before finishing what I was about to say.

"I'm even more glad that you stayed, then."

I had a puzzled look.

"Because I know how much you like ducks."

"I like you more."

"Britt. We didn't talk much since last week. I wanted you to know that..."

She stopped there, I waited but she only looked me in the eyes, like she wanted me to understand something. I wasn't sure what was it though, but I tried my best.

"I won't tell anyone, Santana. I already promised you that."

"I know. It's just that. I don't know. Things feel different now. You didn't even talk to me until just now."

"I was embarrassed. I was afraid you would act like it never happened."

"I wouldn't, Brittany."

"You did once." I believe my voice cracked, because her features changed, she came closer. Her hand reached for my shoulder and she pushed me away from the safety I was feeling by holding that door knob for dear life. She pushed me into her arms, though. So, actually I liked it more than she would understand.

"I'm sorry, Britt."

"It is okay. It's been almost a year, now."

"Still... But, Hey, what happened last week - in the janitor's closet - I couldn't possibly forget that even if I wanted to."

She probably just said that to make me smile, but I appreciated it the same.

"Was I bad? I had never done that before."

"You talk like I have anything to compare it to."

That sounded bad, it sent something bitter down my throat. But I don't love Santana in vain; she realized how it came across and hurried to change it.

"What I meant was that...Brittany, you were my first. And once you said one thing to me, and I've always wanted to say that to you, but never had an opportunity. But here it is: I wouldn't have it any other way."

My eyes started tearing up. I couldn't think of any possible ways for her to be any more perfect.

"Stop that. Don't cry."

"I'm sorry, it's just that...you mean so much to me."

"Hey, wait! I still didn't answer your question properly. I didn't have anything to compare it to, but it felt amazing. It was the best thing we have ever done."

My tearing eyes dried instantly when I saw the half smile on Santana's lips. I know that smile a little bit too well. She would usually smile like that when she wanted sweet lady kisses, but right now I could tell neither of us wanted to stop only at kisses. So I played along.

"I'm glad you liked it. It wasn't fair, though. I believe I owe you something."

We both had 'second intentions' smiles spread all over our faces.

"Yeah, and what is that?"

"I don't remember my hands having as much access to you as yours seem to have had to me. I think in the end you are the one owing me something."

With that she had me pinned up against the door kissing me as deep as she could.

Before Quinn came back a little drunk, that night, we had already 'tested' the three beds - leaving Quinn's as neat as we could afterwards - the three bare walls and we were about to try out the ground when we heard familiar voices speaking loudly in the hallway. We jumped ten feet away from each other with the noise, but when I sat on my bed and looked over to Santana sitting on her's, I could see we would eventually have time to try the floor, the bathroom, my bedroom at home, hers, and every other room we ever wanted.

...

I find it funny that it's two years later and I get the same fuzzy feeling in my stomach when Santana decides to stay at the hotel room and, like a reflex, I don't even stand up to get ready. Everyone already knows I am staying as well. It is our thing.

"Santana, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah, sure."

I hate how distant we still are. She doesn't even look away from the rerun on the tv.

"Look at me, please."

I didn't know if she would snap at me. But I had to ask. Seeing her not giving a damn if I stayed with her at the hotel or not was making me sad.

I think it was okay that I asked because she immediately turned the tv off and turned around to look at me.

"I think we should talk."

"Talking is overrated, Britt's, Oh and by the way, My Cup's gotta be your best one so far! _loooved_ it! Loved it"

She took her time saying the first 'loved it'. I could recognize her usual sarcastic tone - I can't remember the last time she used that with me. I don't think she ever did.

"Santana, that was rude!" My face was heating up, I could feel my eyes start fighting back some tears.

"Whatever. It was actually a fun song, though. I did like it."

We were silent. For the first time I didn't know how to act around Santana. But all of a sudden, I felt like I had been in a dreadful nightmare and was now being awaken. Santana's face, that had been, just seconds ago as cold as I had only seen towards other people, turned back into the one I was used to. It was once again _my Santana_. Like she had been hypnotized for the past couple of minutes, and now someone clapped their fingers and she was out of it.

"I am so sorry, Brittany. I don't know what got to me. I was afraid of being alone with you in here."

"Afraid? Why? Didn't you want me to stay with you in the hotel?"

"That's not it. God, I was even more afraid when they were all going out and I thought you might go with them. You know, this is our thing!" I knew and loved the shy face she just did. Her eyes sort of avoiding mine and looking at the ground and her lips fighting a smile.

"I know! I wouldn't leave. So why are you afraid of being alone with me?"

"Because it's all different now, Brittany. I don't know where we stand, I don't know what I want...I mean, I do: I want you. But..."

"No! Santana, stop! I want you too and that is all that matters."

"Gosh, Britt. That's is far from being all that matters. You don't get it! Why? Why do you make this even harder for me?"

"What? I have been here, all along, Santana. You know that!"

"I know. But I can't go on like you want me to."

Those words hurt way too much! My eyes gave up trying to hold back the tears and I was now a mess. A tearing mess. I needed her to stop pushing me away. I couldn't go on as if it was all good. I didn't want to hear any other word like the ones she was just saying to me. So I stepped closer. She stepped back, but not too much, it was more out of reflex than actually trying to stay away from me. I noticed that just in time to follow my heart and instincts.

Before she said any other hurtful word, my body was already pressing her down to the bed that was behind her. I didn't even bother being up on all fours to take it slow - I was letting my weight completely upon her. I kissed her like I had never kissed before. We had been without each other for about three weeks, and the way I see it, that's way too long. I thought my body would take a while to adjust to hers, but I was so wrong, J. The adjusting happened half way down to the bed after I threw myself with all I've got, upon her.

You can't imagine how happy I was when the shock of my bold move was gone and she still kept letting me kiss her and returned the kiss. It was like the past weeks we went without sweet lady kisses never happened. Her hands had already skillfully taken care of the hook in my bra and my shirt was around my neck before I had the chance to even do anything.

I could feel her lips parting on my neck, I shivered at the feeling of her tongue stroking my pulse and the warmth of her breath against my skin.

"Santana" It came out as a soft and yet needy groan. I always loved her response when I did that: she started sucking slightly harder on my neck and lowering her right hand to the spot between my thigh and my ass.

"I have missed this so fucking much" I knew she must have felt the same way as me all this time, but listening to her say that with a husky voice in my ear was better than I could hope for. I would usually take the lead or if she wanted to, I would let her lead the way. But this time, my heart and my whole body were missing her touch in a way I didn't think was possible. So I did the only thing I can't remember ever doing before - with her or anybody for that matter.

"Touch me. I need to feel you down there. Please." I said between gasps.

I learned from Santana when we were younger that a girl is never supposed to ask for it, but she wasn't a boy, so I figured it would be okay.

It was more than okay, because I felt her left hand slowly slide from my butt to my hip and than to the hem of my white shorts. She managed to open the buttons of it with the tips of her fingers and slide her hand under my panties. I couldn't hold back a loud moan when I felt her hand cup, in one fast movement, my sensible spot. It felt like every awkward silent we had been in, in the last couple of weeks just disappeared. As if we were the only people in New York, or even in the world.

After we made love, we lay there naked in the bed with the sheets wrapped on our bodies. My right leg and arm were tangled to her body, I was pulling her to me with all the strength I managed to gather after she made me see stars three times in a row. I knew I was being possessive, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. She was mine, once again, she was mine and I could not let her go. She was one more time in my arms, and now that I knew what it felt like to be without her there, I was not willing to let that happen again.

"It felt amazing. You are amazing, Santana."

She showed a sleepy smile and looked at me with the after-sex-tired look I only ever got to see in the few times we had sex in the morning and on a bed. Other way the lights would be off or we would have to just do it and get back to class or something.

"You are pretty amazing yourself. And yeah, it felt amazing."

"Don't ever let me go for this long without this, deal?"

"I should be the one saying this...I'm sure you were doing just fine without me."

I did not like those words, how could she say that? But she had a light tone to her voice, so maybe she was joking, I still didn't get it.

"What do you mean? If you are talking about Artie, we haven't done anything since weeks before we broke up, you know this. I didn't let him touch me since we got back to having sweet lady kisses."

"Ew, that's not what I mean. I mean, you seemed to be getting your cuddle on just fine with that chick at prom."

She looked away from me. I loved it when she was embarrassed, I loved it even more when she was shy for being jealous of me.

"Oh, you mean Claire? She's a nice girl."

She playfully looked at me with a pissed off stare, her mouth agape.

"I'm just kidding, she's just a friend. She asked me to help her join the Cheerios."

"_What!_ So, how does this work?"

She started out the sentence real fast, but then she acted like she didn't care. I was having fun.

"I have been helping her out with some routine practice, she's a freshman, and she will try out next year."

"Have this been happening on a regular basis? For too long?"

She still tried and kept her cool. I was holding back a laugh, but my smile was too big to hide.

"Since a week before the prom. That is why she was there, during practice I told her to show up."

"What the hell? Were you there as her date? I thought you went by yourself."

Score! Her cool went to hell.

"I was joking, Santana. I _am_ helping her with the practice, but she is like, into some guy I can't remember the name right now, and that's who she went with."

"So, why were _you_, missy, dancing a slow song with her?"

"The guy got really drunk, and sometimes I do think she has a little girl-crush on me, because she asked if we could make him jealous by dancing together, but he didn't even look at us."

"Well, you were most certainly making people jealous, don't worry about _that_."

"By people, you mean you?"

"Don't even go there. You already know how I feel about you. I am not saying it again."

"I like to hear it. A lot."

"Oh, well, I would as well, and not just during…you know, what we just did. Even though it is hot when you whisper that in my ear."

"Ouch, that is not fair, Santana. I have been telling you that I love you ever since I can remember."

"Whatever, let's not talk about this, okay?"

My left side was already hurting from being smashed in the mattress for that long, so I lay on my stomach and crossed my arms in front of me to support my head and stayed looking at Santana now on her side, instead of almost on top of her - I was already missing her touch.

I was swooning staring inside her eyes, I wanted to stay like that forever, drowned in dark chocolate, lost in the infinity of her eyes. When we hold each other's gaze, that's when I can really feel her love, and that's when I know she can feel mine. So I can only wish that I had never broken that moment. Words ruin everything. I should know that.

"That is fine. We don't need to talk about this anymore. Because now that Dave is gone, You and I have nothing in our way and I'll be able to tell you how much I love you whenever I..."

That's when it all got 'fast forwarded' : Her left hand that had been caressing my right side, from my breast to my hip since I changed positions got pulled away too fast, her eyes that were swallowing me whole were now spiting me out, her face that had just been smooth and happy seemed to be angry at me and she jumped off the bed taking the blankets with her, leaving me naked laying in the bed looking scared at her standing figure on the side of the bed.

"What the hell, Brittany! What are you even talking about? Didn't I just say that I can't be like that? I am not ready to go out and proud with you. Were you just ignoring me back when I was talking to you?"

My eyes were burning and I could feel the tears roll down my face like a waterfall.

"Santana, I didn't mean to..."

"What? Ah? You didn't mean to say that I am not with Karofsky anymore? I told you, I need him, because he is safe. People are already talking about me, and I told you I can't handle that."

"I-I know th-that. P-Please. I under-s-stand, I can give y-you time, we don't have to go publ-public. Just..."

I barely got through my words, and by the end I just gave in. I couldn't believe how we were just having a perfect moment and now she was screaming at me and I was sobbing and crying my eyes out. She had to believe me. I understood that she wasn't ready. I would give her time. I just couldn't handle seeing her with someone else during that time.

But even though I couldn't finish my begging, it apparently got to her, because she didn't yell anything back, and she seemed to be calming down. Her eyes were not furious at me anymore, her face was emotionless, like she was having so many different thoughts, that her muscles didn't know to which they should respond, so they kept still.

With the sudden lack of yelling and gradual cease of crying, I was suddenly aware of my laying naked state and I begun to blush, and when I begun to look for something to cover myself up and couldn't find anything, I started to get mad. That was probably not the main reason why I was getting mad. But it worked just fine as a sparkle to set my emotions on fire, and with that, my thoughts shot through my mouth before I had even decided if I wanted to keep them in or let them out.

"You know what! I also wish you _all_ the love in the world. But you are forgetting the 'most of all, I wish it from myself' part. But I'm not. It screams in my ears every time I see you with some different guy. It has been yelling at my face ever since we were twelve, and it won't stop, I just know it won't. But if you must keep on hurting me to make yourself feel good, go ahead! But just know, Santana, that I am not leaving. I am not giving you up. So you are going to have to watch me hurt over you from now on if you are sticking to your 'come-here-go-away' game. I hope you enjoy it!"

I realized that she was taken aback with my yelling. Probably because the loudest I have ever spoken to her was when I told her that if she loved herself as much as _I _loved her she would put the 'lebanese' t-shirt and dance with me. But I am glad that she was taken aback, because know I'm pretty sure she will take me seriously when I say that I love her, and she will understand that her actions affect me. So with that in mind, I got the pieces of my clothes from the floor, put them on and left, leaving a speechless and perplexed Santana behind. Now I'm here, sitting by myself in a New York café, waiting for the time to go back to rehearse whichever song the glee club chooses. And trying to keep my eyes dry.


	6. Chapter 6 Hard to Hide

**A/N.:** This is my very first _smutt_ chapter ever! I am nervous, bare with me! Please, for the love of all things tell me what to change and what to keep!

**A/N2.: **I would like very much to take this time to thank every and each one of you who are reading and enjoying this story, and thank you all for the favorite and story alerts! You don't know how much it means to me! And of course! Thank you very much for those of you who review, I read what you say, so please keep it coming, and while you're at it, let me know what you think that will or could happen in this story! I know it is pretty much behind the canon stuff, but a lot can happen behind the cameras, so be creative if you feel like it! And I want to thank, as always, my amazing beta BonnieLForU for baring with me even after I decided to take this leap with this chapter! Thank you babe! ;)

**Spoilers:** There might be a few. Some things I'll take from the show, some things I'll just make up.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee, I do not own any of it's characters.

* * *

><p><strong>Dear Journal<strong>

**Chapter 6 - Hard To Hide**

- Day 22 -

She called me.

I was sitting in a café next to the hotel for about five minutes, and she called me.

I picked it up at the first ring.

"Hi."

"I am so sorry, Brittany. I don't even know what to tell you."

"I am sorry, too. Santana, I am sorry for yelling at you, I mean, I never do that. _We_ never do that..."

"Consider it forgotten..."

"No, Santana. Let me finish. I am sorry for how I said it, but I am not sorry for _what_ I said. Every single word is true. I will _not_ give you up, I will not give _us _up. Because I have been fighting for _this_..." My hands flailed pointing between me and the empty space in front of me where she should be "...For _us_, ever since I can remember, and I am not ready to just lose you like this to Karofsky, or whoever comes next."

I was, once again, in tears. In the middle of a New York street, and in tears. Boys would pass by me and make stupid comments on how they would do it right so I wouldn't end up crying afterwards. I was scared, and I was beginning to get upset that I was there because, _again_, Santana choose some guy over me.

But then she said it. She said the second thing I have always wanted to hear from her the most. Losing only to hearing from her that she loves me the way I love her.

"Come back, Britt. I won't be with Karofsky any more. I won't be with anybody else. I don't _want_ to be with anybody else. I want to figure it all out, and I want to do that with you by my side. You are the only person I trust. You are the one who I can share anything with, who I _want _to share anything...everything with. Every secret. When something bad happens, my fingers dial up your number before I even need to tell them to, but specially, if something good happens, then I always wish you were there with me, so that, something good was happening to you, too."

My tears weren't streaming down like before, now, but the ones that proceeded to fall were from happiness.

"I...I fucking love you, Britt. Always have, ever since that first time you kissed me, I think I freaked out because I liked that you were the first one I kissed, even though I shouldn't because you're a girl. Back then I was just a kid, and I was completely confused. But I already loved you - I hadn't realized it yet - but I can see it clearly now: I have _always_ loved you. More than I could ever tell you. I don't want to share just good and bad moments with you. I want to share my _life_ with you. I also can't stand when you hook up with other guys or girls. I have always hated it. But you had that stupid list with the whole fucking school in it, and you wanted to have a perfect score...and I? I wanted to see you happy - I wanted to make sure you got everything you ever wanted in your life. So I taught you how to get your way around but, then I realized that I couldn't take it. I realized that I needed to be the only one for you. But I was so afraid. I didn't know why I was having those feelings. I didn't want to have them. I couldn't let anybody know that - specially not you. Because I knew you'd say you felt the same, and then I wouldn't be able to stay away. And then, somewhere along the road, it became impossible to keep watching you with those other people. Even more unbearable then letting people realize how I really felt about you. I lost the balance. I didn't know what to do." She was crying, now. "Britt, I...I still don't know what to do."

"Santana..."

I gave her a moment to stop sobbing. I wanted to hug her. Show her that I was there, I wasn't going to go anywhere. I loved her, and I wouldn't force her to tell anybody for now. But for us to talk about what was going to happen, she needed to stop sobbing - So I gave her a moment.

When the crying sounds finally went off, I started again.

"Santana, you _are_ the only one for me. And you don't _have_ to make sure I get everything I'll ever want in my life. I mean, that's impossible. But you can give me what I want the most. You can be mine, Santana. I won't push you to tell people about us right now, and I won't say anything. We will keep getting together like we always have. It doesn't have to change. I just wish you wouldn't be with anyone else in the meanwhile. At least while we figure things out. Please? This is the only thing I'll ask from you. Because it hurts too much."

She went silent for a while. I froze. I mean, I knew we were probably in a good place now. But somehow I felt nervous waiting for a response. So I was all smiles when it came.

"I promise! Where are you? Come to the hotel."

It wasn't a question. So I didn't have to answer. I hung up and fifteen minutes later I was knocking on the girls' hotel door. It took her about two minutes to open it. I believe it added to my anxiety, so when the door was finally open, and I saw her leaning against the threshold in her stripped green dress, it was stronger than me. My body was already moving towards her and my mouth reaching to hers. She dodged back though.

"Quinn is here." She whispered.

"What? Why?" I didn't really mean to ask that, but it was frustrating not to get my make-up-lady-loving.

I pulled back, we sat on one of the beds and were just gazing into each other's eyes. Grins plastered to our lips, our hands were fidgeting with the messed sheets, all of our focus on not letting them get all over the other. It felt like too long since we were there, and we were making small talk to pretend like we didn't want to make love.

"I'm happy that we'll be fine with each other tonight at the competition." It was true.

"Me, too. I'm happy that I finally got it all out there, and even happier that you understood me. Thank you."

"It's nothing. I know how hard it must be for you."

She didn't answer right away. Her eyes were lingering on my lips, which made it even harder not to kiss her. Gladly she thought so, too.

"Oh, whatever. C'mere." She hissed before pulling me in for a kiss. An open mouth one. I felt her tongue caressing my lips, searching for a way in - which I gladly gave. Both her hands were in the back of my neck and her left one was sliding down my side, making it's way to my back. She started to pull me closer to her while her tongue started to stroke mine faster but still smoothly. I wasn't able to keep inside the little gasps and whimpers that came from the back of my throat. I could feel her smiling into the kiss with every sound that escaped my mouth - I smiled back. It felt so right - being there in her arms. J. I am positive we were born to be with each other.

The kiss was heating up. I even forgot we were not alone in the room for a while, as I straddled her hips, seating on her lap and pressing myself against her as much as physically possible without ever breaking the kiss - deepening it instead. Her hands that were seconds ago resting on my back and my neck, were now both on my ass, pulling me towards her. My hips started to, conveniently, rock themselves back and forth against her own hips. I was craving the friction that my thick jean shorts were keeping from me. But I think she wasn't facing the same problem since, now, _she_ was the one gasping and letting soft moans go with every thrust of my hips against her. She started to thrust back.

We were getting into a pleasant pace - finding a steady rhythm when there was a knock on the door followed by Tina's voice. "Is there anyone in there? I forgot my key-card with Mike.".

Before she was finished talking, I had already jumped from Santana's lap and was now spread on the mattress grabbing the sheets beneath me for dear life. I knew my eyes were wide, but I would bet money that they weren't as wide as Santana's. She was in shock - frozen. Not one muscle in her whole body moving. I don't even think she was breathing.

We stayed like that for seconds that felt like hours until the adrenaline rush started to wipe from our bodies. Then I noticed Santana's chest go up and down with long and fast breaths. She was coming around. I was starting to come around as well, but I was afraid she would regret our previous conversation. I stayed in silence, waiting for her to say something first.

Tina was apparently gone. Since there was no noise from inside the room, she probably gave up and decided to go look for Mike to get her key back. Santana stood up. She walked around the bed to stop by the side where I was still grabbing the sheets and now looking up at her...calm eyes? Wasn't she freaking out? She looked down to me and as if nothing had happened, she offered me her left hand and simply said: "We need to find more hidden places to do this."

I was so confused. Gladly so, though. I took her hand and, still slightly wide-eyed let her guide me across the bedroom to the bathroom. She let go of my hand and started to knock on the door.

"Quinn, quit hogging the bathroom. I needs to re-pencil my eyebrows"

I was a little bit lost, but I understood what was going on. She was acting as if nothing had happened since she remembered Quinn was also in the room. Somehow, at that moment, I knew what we were going to be like from now on: the same way we used to be before - whenever we were alone, we would make out and make love, and the second there was someone else around, we would be just best friends.

- Day 30 -

Hey, J.

I know I haven't been around for a while. We lost Nationals, and that felt pretty bad. Santana tried to go All Lima Heights on Rachel because she kissed Finn on stage. Everyone thought that was, like, super unprofessional. But either way, we got back and I talked to Santana, and I told her that she was the person I loved the most in this whole world. She asked if we were going to be together and I explained to her that I love her so much that anything is possible, but, J. When I dated Artie, even though he was not the best boyfriend in the world, at least he was proud of me, and I liked the way it made me feel when I would roll him around school and he would introduce me to everyone as his 'babe' - not that everyone in school didn't know me way better than they knew him - but the intention was cute.

And I remember that back then I would close my eyes for a bit and daydream that it was Santana talking about me proud like that and calling me her 'babe', instead of Artie. Then it would bring tears to my eyes when I 'woke up' and realized that it was never going to happen. So I don't know. I will have to wait and see if I can handle being _together, _together the way she wants me to be - without anyone knowing.

Today I am going on a family trip to my father's parents' house for four weeks. I love my grandma and grandpa. They don't speak english very well, but they are so cute and I love their new house in Florida. There's a giant pool, and dogs and it's pretty close to the beach. I wish I could bring Santana with me, she would love it there. Though, her parents said she can't because they are not comfortable letting her stay away for that long.

At least that's what they told us, and Santana cannot even dream about it, but I think the real reason is that Mrs. And Mr. Lopez know about us. Because last week, days after we came back from New York something really awkward happened:

"Hey, Britt-Britt. You are early, but I'm glad you are. I missed you."

Santana saw me walking in her room with the side of her eyes while she was typing something on her laptop on her bed. She put the computer aside and stood by her bed with her arms open to greet me with a hug and a peck - that ended up becoming more of a long lips-kiss. When I finally pulled back, I left my purse on the floor by her bed and hopped on it.

"Hey" I said back "Sorry I didn't call you, I was dying to see you, so I came right after motocross practice and your mom and dad were leaving when I got here, so they let me in." I explained not really worrying. I knew she wouldn't mind it.

"That's perfect. So, does it mean we have the house to ourselves? I didn't even know they were leaving." She said already back on the bed and tracing kisses up my neck and my ear.

I started giggling the way I always do when she nibbles my earlobe. "Santana, stop that. You know I've got tickles." I said even though I was pulling her closer and tilting my head to the other side to make room for her lips.

"Stop it?" She asked in the husky voice I love so much, while going at it even harder on my neck. "I know you don't mean it."

"Okay, You are right, I really don't. Don't stop it, please." I couldn't even keep my eyes open, my voice came from somewhere deep in my throat and faltered. Gosh, it is so embarrassing how fast she can turn me into jelly. My hands were already making a mess in her hair, and I was pushing myself up against her so there would be more skin touching.

I could feel her smirking against my jaw line, and her hand was leaving goosebumps on the places it touched my stomach. I was so turned on that I didn't even have the energy to 'play mad' at her for smirking at me. She stayed there sucking at my lips, my neck and jaw line for a while longer, and then she pulled back and looked at me. My body instantly missed the touch, but my eyes were way too heavy to open fast, so I lazily opened them to find a naughty look on Santana's eyes.

"Well, I wouldn't." She said and it took me a moment to remember my last words were asking her not to stop. She kept going when she realized I got it. "But, you see. I kind of _needs_ to be somewhere else." She said still smirking.

"What?" I was suddenly not lazily staring anymore. "What do you mean? Where do you have to go?" I was adjusting my position against the headboard since I had slipped during the making out.

"Gee, calm down, missy! I didn't mean, like, somewhere _else, _like, away. I meant somewhere else, like, to the south."

I kept staring at her blankly. She lost me.

"Oh, silly. To the south of you." She said moving her lips back to my shoulders and her hand came up to graze my neck and started moving down very slowly. "Like, in a little bit down." she said in between kisses.

I understood what she meant as her fingers slipped lightly in between my cleavage, followed closely by her lips. Then her hands made their way to the hem of my shirt and pulled it up. I continued to take it off myself as her hands made their way back to my waist and grabbed it strongly pulling me to her as her lips kept their way down my abs and under my belly button. When they met the waist bend of my shorts, they stayed kissing, licking and sucking at the skin right above it. My eyes were glued to her. Watching her kiss my body slowly and yet passionately like that was doing things to my 'south area' - as she called it. When all the hairs in my whole body stood up to one particular sexy and hot movement of her tongue across my belly, from hip to hip, I couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Off ... take them off. Please?"

Without stoping licking my skin, she looked up, and with her lips still grazing my belly, she said.

"Hummm. Becoming a begger, are we?" The smirk was back there.

"For you. Just for you, because you tease me too much."

"That's good...that it's just for me, I mean." At that, I saw something more serious flash through her eyes. Like she was actually thankful. And, just like, that it was gone and we were back to the sexy staring - also fine by me.

"Okay. You have been a good girl. You wish shall come true." With that her hands left my waist, I bucked my hips up to help her as she pulled the hem of my shorts down - all the way to my feet. Her hands came back up to my panties. She was supporting her weight with her elbows and her mouth was inches away from my sensitive spot. I could feel her breathing against the thin piece of clothing and that made my hands press lightly behind her head to hurry her just a tiny bit.

She used the tips of two fingers from each hand to hook both sides of my panties' hem, and opposite to my shorts, she started to drag it down, painfully slow. But it was worth every second of the wait. As soon as the tiniest bit of my sex started to show from beneath the cloth, her lips started to touch my skin.

J., anyone who has seen Santana's full lips would understand how much I was dying of pleasure. She has the softest lips in the whole world, they are pouty by nature, and very full, both upper and bottom lip. And she was pressing them softly to my sensitive mound and still dragging my panties down, kissing every new part that was coming from it. The more it showed, the tougher the kisses. At first it was only closed lips kissing, but once my sex was showing completely, she started to part her lips and kiss it as if she was kissing my mouth - sucking it lightly - every single bit of it. For a moment, she fit all of my clit into her mouth and started to suck on it, gently at first, no tongue, yet.

My head was spinning. My eyes were turning inside my head. I was starting to sweat form how fast she was making my blood run without me having to move one single muscle. Gosh, I was up so high. But there was still something missing. Since the panty was still in my mid-thighs, my legs were tight shut and begging to open to give her all the space she needed. She noticed that too.

I felt the hand I kept on her head lift as she pulled back up. She was panting almost as hard as me, and that did nothing to turn me any off. Her voice faltered, and sounded like it was hard to come out.  
>"Let me take your panties off."<p>

She moved them the rest of the way down my legs, and before I could even notice it, she was back. Her hands now grabbed at my inner thighs and spread them just enough so her mouth would be comfortable in there, and then moved her hands straight to my breasts.

Her right one, not very skillful without her looking, started to safely massage my left boob, and squeeze it just hard enough to make my eyes roll and then my eye lids shut tight. But her left hand - that's her skillful one. She used it to go straight to my right nipple. Her pointer finger and her thumb started to pinch it softly and then her palm would caress it feather-light in circles. She was coming and going between these two movements until she felt my nipple harden like a rock. The thing is: I felt it two, and every time she would change from one move to the other, I would bite my bottom lip a bit harder.

While at it, she never stopped kissing my lower parts, she was leaving wet trails with her tongue in my inner thighs and licking my wetness away - but it never went away, it only made me wetter. Once she had it covered and on 'auto-pilot' with the rhythms in my breasts, we came back to paying more attention to the south. And once she had my both nipples hard like rocks, she quit playing around between my thighs. She focused her lips back to my clit, grabbing a hold of it's fullness once again, and now, with more space, she started letting her tongue draw lines on it while she was sucking a bit harder than before. I could listen to my pulse really loud in my ears, and I couldn't hold back the loud moans and whimpers that were leaving my throat. I remember calling - oh, well, more like screaming - her name, and also remember her making me even more turned on - if even possible - by letting a few moans and gasps of her own escape her throat. Her hands were wandering all over my body as she picked up rhythm and once my hips were bucking and thrusting against her really hard, her missed that spot and instead of going back to that motion, she sensed I was really close, so she just started licking and sucking everywhere she could reach.

My both hands were now tangled to her hair and kind of pulling her to me. With every thrust of my hips, and every long lick from her tongue, the knot inside my lower stomach would tighten and my muscles would contract and I would tremble harder. Until I couldn't hold it anymore. I exploded, with a loud moan and my back arched a bit in the air, I felt all my muscles contract at once and instead of relaxing they just stayed like that for a moment, causing me to lose balance and sort of fall awkwardly against by back, my legs a little bit spread since I wasn't able to control them at that very moment. Santana didn't let go of me, and kept kissing me down there while shock waves would go through my body. Scratch when I said I was like jelly before, I was melting upon her sheets now. and my belly would have little spasms as her - now subtle tongue was matching her long, flat moves through my whole sex with the frequency of the shock waves.

When I finally recovered my speech ability all I could manage through my uneven breathing was: "Santana... Oh my God... You wouldn't...you wouldn't believe how much I love you."

My hands were now caressing her cheeks and pulling her up towards me. I usually don't like to kiss right after she does that. But that has got to be the best time ever, so I didn't even care. When she reached my face level I kissed her full on the lips. Our mouths were open and eager for each other. When she made her way up, she left her thin sheet up to my waist, and put her right leg above my legs and laid there, beside me, holding me - her full clothed body leaning it's upper side on my bare chest. Then, with a deep look into my eyes she said: "You could never even begin to understand how much I love you, Brittany", and started to kiss me with all she had in her. After about five minutes of kissing our exhaustion away she laid her head on the crook of my neck and started to lazily draw hearts and circles with her finger all over my stomach. Her eyes closed, a smile plastered to her lips.

I was about to give her a kiss on the forehead when I noticed someone who apparently had been leaning against the tiny hallway that leads into Santana's room, walking out of the door real fast. I froze. I was pretty sure it was her mom. Thank God Santana was half asleep on top of me, or she would have seen it, or sensed I saw something and she would freak out. _I_ was freaking out. But I didn't know how much they had seen, and I didn't know if they saw anything at all. So I wasn't going to risk and ruin the best time ever Santana and I made love, for something I wasn't even sure about. I decided to let it be, and if it was true that she had seen something, then I would find out eventually. But I wasn't going to deal with that at that moment. So I waited until my heart slowed down - from both, Santana's effect on me, and the person catching us - and I fell into a heavy slumber cuddling Santana closer.

Ever since that day, nothing changed between me and the Lopez' family. They have treated me the exact same they always have. When we went down stairs later on, Mr. Lopez was watching tv on his big comfy chair, and he said 'Hi' to me with the same smile as always, and Mrs. Lopez fed me my favorite pancake and syrup and she held me in a tight hug before I left. Okay, the tight hug is not weird, but it is also not that usual. It wasn't bad, though. So that made me think that she had definitely seen us kissing, and she is probably okay with us being together, because if she wasn't, she wouldn't have hugged me, and after that, Santana and I saw each other on a regular basis in each other's houses in the first week school was off. It was only three days ago, when I told them I was going to visit my grandparents and asked if Santana could come along that, both, Mr. And Mrs. Lopez told me she couldn't go because it was too far away and it was a family trip.

Then, it only got more confirmed to me that they knew; when I told them that Santana was already family, Mr. Lopez let slip: 'Not yet, Britt.', and Santana was really confused, and he 'made it right' by saying: 'I mean, no, she is not. Maybe when your trip is shorter we'll think about it.'. I had to keep a grin from showing. I turned around and was about to leave when she caught me by the wrist and quickly let go when she realized her mother was still in the kitchen.

"Wait, Britt. I'll walk you to the door." I had never seen her blush like this. She couldn't even look me in the eyes, and I couldn't keep that grin off my face anymore. I am usually not aware of these kinds of things, so I was mentally patting myself in the head for not saying something stupid right away, like 'Why? You never did that, and I know the way.'. Instead I, somehow realized she was trying to be romantic and kind to me the way she said she'd try to. My decision of whether or not to be _together, _together was starting to become easier and easier. So I only smiled my biggest and happiest smile and said looking straight into her beautiful chocolate eyes.  
>"Yes, please. Thank you, Santana!"<p>

I hope she understood by the intense way my blue eyes were melting inside her chocolate ones, how much more I wanted to say with those words.


End file.
